Hand Holding!

I don't always write about my work although many times I am away from my computer and I think I should really write down my thoughts about this.  It is rare when you can hold someones hand these days, as an adult, in such a busy fast paced world really the only hands you hold are that of a child or a spouse.  I love some things about my job that also make many of my work days the saddest.  I think of it as an honor when you can sit at the bedside of a dying child and hold their hands or to hold the hand of their parent while they say good-bye.  As a nurse you are often metaphorically hand holding at lots of moments, in teaching, in learning about a new diagnosis or sickness of a family member.  Those are moments that as a nurse you either chose to take on wholly or you turn your shoulder and shy away.  I am a bit picky about my families that I like to hand hold with.  I noticed a change that occurred when I became pregnant and I pulled away from such opportunities to get involved and attached like I would normally do. Maybe for the sake of protecting myself, you do get burnt out and I think the thought for me of knowing too much and worries that my child could be born with medical problems or become ill were just so terrifying it was easier to not get so close.

Today I got to hand hold.  Almost a year ago one of my patients passed away from leukemia (ALL) he was such a cutie.  Every time I pass a toy department and run into the Icebreakers game I think of him .  Today his Mom came to visit us and to promote a benefit they are starting on his behalf to raise money for cancer.  I think the Flyer is below if anyone is interested in donating.

His death although likely eminent with his prognosis and how sick he was was kind of unexpected and sudden.  There was no drawn out passing it happened rather traumatically in a few hours of getting really sick. His mom is still working through her grief and it was really hard for her to visit the floor today and I asked her if she had been to the PICU where he spent his last hours and she said she hasn't been able to go back there yet.  I asked if she wanted to go there and see the nurses there and give them the event information and she said she didn't think she could go there and I said I will walk you down if you would like.  She seemed so relieved and even though it was something so little and an easy walk for me I knew it was hard and sad for her. We made our way down the hallway, she had spent many sad times, I held her hand and we walked into his room where he passed away.  Tears in her eyes, mine too. I felt honored to have been a part of their lives and to help walk her through the next phase in the grieving process.

The last time I saw him he said, "What do you have in there?" Pointing to my recent baby bump.  He said, "there is a Baby in there".  I am thinking what a smarty.  "yes, I said there is a baby in there, J. Is it a boy baby or a girl?"  I didn't know yet myself.  He said,  "it's a girl baby and she is my girlfriend."  I had to laugh, the funny thing is is that J. was obsessed with twirling his mom's hair, his mom had a lock of hair cut off and placed it in his casket.  Which I can totally understand now because Maycen is obsessed with holding my hair, she likes to suck her thumb and hold my hair in the same hand.